What Was Left
by defectivegirl
Summary: In moments before the final fight, Ocelot contemplates what was left. MGS4- possibly hints to spoilers Ocelot/big Boss, SADFIC. Please r&r!


Title: What was left

Pairings: Ocelot/Big boss

Rating: PG

Word Count: 1068

Warnings: sad fic, mention of m/m

Summary: In fleeting last moments, Ocelot contemplates the things he hid away. (Right before the final fight in MGS4)

This was a challenge fic, My friend wanted another tear-jerker Ocelot/Big boss story. This time right before Ocelot's final fight. I REALLY need a beta... please excuse errors.. it is 4:32am... I will re-read/edit again later. This is for you Di  
Please enjoy.

**I do not own Metal Gear or any of it's characters, this is a fan work.**

Please read and review, I want to know what you think!

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The sky barely glowed with early morning light, a man in his mid thirty's reluctantly shifts from a heavy slumber. He rolls, realizing there is no one there his eyes snap open and he sits up abruptly. His once warm bed is cold, all he sees is a packed bag on the edge of the bed.

His chest stings. John exits the bathroom; a surprised look crosses his one eyed stare. "I have to go." He says softly. A look of hurt crosses Adamska's face. "You said three days! Not a NIGHT!" John continued to pack, avoiding the glare of familiar icy eyes. The anger twisted into a childish miserable pout. That look always hurt, he hoped and wished he would still be asleep when he left. He broke a promise and Adam would not let him forget.

He circled the bed, placing a hand on the bare shoulder, brushing away a strand of blond hair. John bends to kiss Adam's cheek, the touch lingers for a moment before it is gone. He picks up his bag, throwing it over his shoulder and heads for the door without a second glance.

"Please…" The man stops, but does not turn around. "Don't go…" the soft voice pleads.

His throat is tight, he can't bear to see those eyes. "I'm sorry…"

He is gone.

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This happened often. Promised a weekend, a week, a few days, and then called away. Just once he wanted real time with John, neither life was theirs. They had no choice. They had no real free will. For that they suffered. The distance made them fight and argue. Sometimes like children. When they did see each other they never knew what to say.

Things that should have been said, never even mentioned. Unspoken words hung in the air between them like smoke. He wanted to say they were happy. He wanted to say that he was all he ever needed. He wanted so much, so much for them, for him. Some things have to be swept under the rug to keep the world in order, sometimes you don't realize how important those things are until you find them again.

You never realize what you should have said, or done until the opportunity passes and is gone forever.

All that's left now is those things. The words they didn't say, what they should have done, what was so ignored. The most important person in his life was gone. Did he even know that? Did he ever say it? Maybe he would never know. All Adamska had left was a fistful of memories, broken promises, and all the things he swept away. Maybe he had been stupid, maybe he should have never said anything or maybe he should have said everything.

He regretted more about his time with John than anything else he had ever done. Even tiny memories hurt. Times he should have said I love you. Times he could have been brave enough to close the gap between them, fights he could have stopped.

So many years after it still felt the same. It hurt to think of what could have been. No, what should have been. They could both face anything; a smoking gun, any opponent, everything but each other. That shy glance, refusing to meet his eye. He did it too, just as badly. He once convinced himself soldiers went built to love. "Monsters like us." Vamp just laughed.

No matter how many times you try to forget something small makes all of those tiny things come back. A tiny reminder an unexpected piece of him, of _them_. When they return, like a wave crashing, you're stunned. For that moment you wonder, why now? Why then? Why even question it?

"This is it." He said to himself, watching the waters saturated by the sky's brilliant blaze, crash against the hull of Outer Haven. For that moment everything was quiet. The water seemed like a painting, they sky just a backdrop. Like he was inside. It felt right. Like this was the moment his whole life lead up too. Maybe it was, he could never tell. But at that moment he felt a sense of peace. It was over, it was time to let the world rest. A proverbial seventh day for man. It wasn't perfect or beautiful, but it would do. Maybe she would approve. That's what John would have wanted.

John…

The things you can't forget; a smile, a touch, the sound of his voice, his smell, little things. As the earth seemed to stand still, tranquil and serene, he could almost feel him there. Maybe he was. A smile crossed Adam's face.

Maybe he was…

On the edge of the horizon he saw the water break, a grand vessel against the painted sky. They are coming. This is it. He drew a deep breath. He would die a criminal. He would not have had it any other way. Spending a lifetime fixing your mistakes. Trying to take back what you started, take everything back to zero.

As the boat neared, the world's silent moment broke. In that moment, Adamska became Ocelot once more. The last, and possibly first real moment of peace he had been fleeting. He wondered if John knew the outcome before Snake came, if the world stopped for him as well. He hoped it did. Something small and beautiful before the end. One last time to remember all the things they swept away, all of the little things.

He gave them the tools. It was their turn. Make the world into what it should have been; what she wanted it to be. Unskewed and untangled from the misinterpretation. From the mess they left behind.

One last glance, the brilliant colors dance across the water, the air that tasted like the sea, the passing moment. All that was left was the clang of boots against the hull, and the final stand down. No riding off into the sunset and no final speech. Just the end.

One last smile.

"Maybe this time… I wont regret it."

He couldnt help but think...

_Did you?_

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_Thank you so much for reading! (hope that wasn't too bad xD)  
**I am currently taking REQUESTS for fics**!!  
this offer will not last for long. I have 4 slots. Any pairing, violence, smut, sad, you name it! Email me what you would like and we can discuss it!_

_much love_

_[DG]_

_.com  
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